Evaluating What We Need from our Children, Part 2

Last Monday, I talked about an idea from the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk about evaluating what we insist our children do through out the day. Insisting on too much can waste energy and create stress and negativity in our relationship with our children.


The authors suggest creating a list for the morning, afternoon and evening of what we need or ask of them. Within the last week, I have been compiling my list and evaluating it. The book says,


"Whether your list is long or short, whether your expectations are realistic or unrealistic, each item on that list represents our time, your energy and contains all the ingredients necessary for a battle of wills."


In creating my list, I wrote down literally everything I asked of him and how I asked it throughout the day. Then I looked at the reasoning behind the requests. I was proud that the intentions behind most of my lists were based on what is important to me. There was not a lot of frivolous requests or demands that just picked a fight. And I was proud that most of the time, those requests were met with cooperation after asking them once to a few times.


Cutting Down My List


I was still surprised at how many things I need of Everett each day.  Operating on the philosophy that the fewer requests I make of him the greater our chances of a harmonious relationship I looked to cutting down my list.  The authors don't ask you to do this, but I suggest considering it. I have found that it's important to know what my priorities are and limit my requests to those most important needs.

I derived from my original list a list of what seem to be my most important needs. I will keep them in mind as I go through my days asking my needs to be met so I don't go too far off track. I also recognize that these priorities may change, so as with everything in parenting it will be a work in progress.

While I wasn't able to eliminate very many of my requests from the original, there were a few and they happened to be in the category of requests that were met with more resistance than cooperation. One in particular was my reaction to Everett grabbing the spatula off the counter and trying to flip a pancake that wasn't ready to be flipped, thus making a big sloppy mess instead of a pancake. The situation is a perfect example of one in which I stressed out thus stressing us both out with my reaction to something that wasn't that important.

My immediate reaction was, "Everett!! Stop! Give me the spatula. The pancake wasn't ready!" He, of course, got very upset and as I tried to take the spatula (I know, the worst idea, right? I'm ashamed to even admit I tried to take it) he yanked harder at it and cried. I quickly scooted him out of the kitchen in frustration.

In my mind I was thinking of the few pancakes made for his dad (who won't eat from the rest of the pancakes that have banana) and the one less he had now. This is my own issue, not Everett's. What I might have done differently may sound more like this, "Oh, buddy. That pancake wasn't ready to flip.  That was dad's pancake.  Let's clean up this mess and you can help flip the others when they are ready." A much happier child and a much happier mommy might have resulted.  My husband would be okay with just pieces of that pancake.

Methods to Employ for More Cooperation

I observed the rest of my list for how I asked things of Everett.  I have found before that how I ask is especially important. I already try to avoid using a lot of "Do this" Do NOT do this" "Stop that." Framing my requests in a positive light, or even as something fun like a game, has often been met with cooperation. The authors also offer five skills they have found helpful in engaging cooperation.

1.     Describe. Describe what you see, or describe the problem.

2.     Give information.

3.     Say it with a word.

4.     Talk about your feelings.

5.     Write a note. 

Not every skill may work for you, and not every skill may work for the age of your child. The authors explain that what they do, however,  is "create a climate of respect in which the spirit of cooperation can begin to grow." 

Previous to reading this book, I was already in the habit of describing, giving information and talking about feelings.  I love the second method of giving information because even as a toddler I felt that Everett better responded to my requests if he understood why I was asking it of him. I feel like it respects him as a person who is capable of understanding the logic behind the request/action.  I see that same respect is extended to me when he follows a request without the reasoning.

One of my most important needs is cleanliness of our home. I ask Everett to clean up after himself, whether it be toys he's gotten out or a bowl he is finished eating out of. Requesting clean up using the method of giving information may sound like this:

"Everett, when you are finished eating I would like you to bring your bowl to the sink to help keep your table clean. That way you can play on it easily later." 

Regularly, this simple method has rendered lots of cooperation without a lot of energy.  Now that Everett is older I've noticed that simply describing something works well, also. Yesterday when I he finished eating and left the table instead of giving information all I did was ask the question, "Everett, where does your bowl go?" or say "Your bowl is still at the table" and because he already knew what we do, he did it right away.

The Next Steps

As parenting goes, my list of needs or priorities is a work in progress. It will be constantly changing, especially as Everett and Kellan grow older.  I will need to re-evaluate what is important to me and continue to keep that in mind as I make requests of the boys. My goal is to keep my requests clear and simple, positive and fun, in hopes that we will continue to have a fairly stress-free relationship in which we all feel our needs are met and respected. And, yes, I know the hardest of this is yet to come!

In creating my list, there was a specific event that brought to my attention the increasing difficulty but true value in talking about my feelings. I have decided to write another post about this little event, so tune in for this post next week.